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| For all the things Harvest Moon is, one thing it isn't is funny. Not that that's a bad thing. Natsume would've been hard-pressed to throw humor into a farming game, and if they had attempted it, the results would've been... Well, something like this, perhaps. | ||||
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Til Death Do You Part
SCENE: POPURI is dressed in a wedding gown, waiting at the alter with the PREACHER. The rest of town except for JACK is also in attendance. JACK comes running in from the farm dressed in a tux. JACK: Sorry I'm late. Had to finish milking the cows. GRAY (shaking his head): Jack, only you would milk the cows on your wedding day. PREACHER: No worries. Not like we can start the wedding without the groom. (JACK takes his place at the alter.) KAI (under his breath): This ought to be good... PREACHER: We are gathered here today to witness the blessed union... CLIFF (faking a cough): Bull****! PREACHER: ...between Jack and Popuri. The bride and groom have prepared their own vows. Popuri? POPURI: Jack, you're like a flower to me. I love flowers. I love you like a flower. Because flowers are pretty. And they smell good. And every time I see you, I think about flowers. Because I love flowers. And you're like a flower to me. And I love you like a flower. Because flowers are pretty and smell good. And I hope you bring me lots of flowers. Because I love flowers. GRAY (sarcastically, to CLIFF): That was moving. PREACHER: Jack? JACK: Popuri, ever since the first time I saw you, I knew what I wanted. Today is the happiest day of my life, because today, I finally live out my dreams and accomplish this one goal, this one goal that has been my driving force ever since I met you. Today begins a new chapter in my life, in your life, in everyone's life. ANN (to ELLI): It's official: he's lost his mind. PREACHER: Alright then. Popuri, do you take this man, Jack, to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live? POPURI: Yes. PREACHER: No, I do. POPURI: You do? Oh, I love weddings. I love them like flowers, because there's a lot of flowers at wed... PREACHER: No, Popuri. You're supposed to say 'I do.' POPURI: Oh. (long pause) PREACHER: Say it. POPURI: Say what now? PREACHER: Say 'I do.' POPURI: I do. KAREN (to MARIA): That was interesting... PREACHER: And Jack, do you take Popuri to be your lawfully wedded wife, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do you part? JACK: I do. HARRIS (to JEFF): Wow. And I thought Popuri was the dumb one in that relatioship. PREACHER: Is there anyone among you who can give just reason why these two should not be wed? (ALL begin shouting out reasons at once) KAREN: He had too much to drink last night! He doesn't understand what he's getting in to! MAYOR: I hereby veto this wedding! GRAY: He's throwing his life away! ELLI: There's so many better choices for wives! CLIFF: I think the cow kicked him in the head this morning! He's not thinking clearly! ANN: He's not himself today! Don't do it Jack! POPURI: I love flowers! JACK: STOP! (ALL shut up) Popuri, I want you to turn and face these people. (POPURI turns towards the rest of town. JACK starts walking back and forth) I want you all to know, that I know exactly what I'm doing. You are all far too quick to judge. Popuri and I have been waiting for this day for so long, why can't you be happy for us? This is the woman I want to spend the rest of her life with. Popuri, (JACK places his hand on POPURI's shoulder) despite what anyone else might say, you and I both know that this is for the best. (JACK pulls out his golden ax and splits POPURI's head in two.) ALL: (confused, incoherent murmuring) JACK: Now, back at my ranch, I've got cake, punch, and snacks all lined up. Come on over for the reception. PREACHER: Wait. There's something I have to do first. (turns towards POPURI's corpse) Popuri, with the power invested upon me by the state of New Hampshire, I now pronounce you dead. Jack, you may kick her lifeless corpse. (ALL applaud, and slowly file out towards JACK's ranch for the reception.) "There will be no one left to worship us..." Emperor Gesthal, FF6 "I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU!" Kefka, FF6 "Ahem, there's SAND on my boots." Kefka "Run, run, or you'll be well done!" Kefka again "You got whacked 'cause you're weak." Magus, Chrono Trigger "...Suffer! Perish! Until everything is destroyed... My hatred will continue... Now you... Come... into my eternal darkness..." Zeromous, FF4 "Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!" Cid, FF7 "I thought you were all feeding the worms." Mog, FF6 "These days all it takes for your dreams to come true is money and power." President Shinra, FF7 "Prince Ralse... yeah, so? I hate him! Everyone does." "Maria" (Celes), FF6 "Flush your personal problems with the rest of your crap!" Heidegger, FF7 "Mayor? He just sits in this building all day feeding his face! You still call that a mayor?" Heidegger "Do you work at the UPS? 'Cause I could swore I saw you checkin' out my package!" Black Mage, 8-Bit Theater "There's more girls here than grains of sand out there. I can't keep track of 'em all." Edgar, FF6 "Those who sacrifice themselves for their job aren't pros... just fools." Reno, FF7 "Leave us. The dog eats strangers..." Shadow, FF6 |
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